That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Nothing fcuks up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday!
My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work… Can’t wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that’s wrong with me.
Whenever I screw up at work I’m so glad I’m not a doctor.
Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you’re in Heaven!
I would have gone to Clooney’s fundraiser for Obama, but I spent my last $40,000 on gas…….
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I went to see my boss today and said, “I think we have a communication problem.” He replied, “You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago.”
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you’re wrong. I’m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he’s tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.
I don’t understand why you’re mad. I used YOUR name as my password, honey! 🙂 Who cares if the “hint” to retrieve it is ….BlTCH?
WTF is with the “poke” suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?
I bet Australian storm chasers are bummed out when they realize it’s just another Tasmanian devil.
Guys: Wow, her status is dumb. ….but she’s cute, so I’m going to like it.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Sitting in an office right now trying to explain to HR that what I really meant to say to her was that I wanted to see her “T.rainee I.nformation T.ask S.heet”. Things aren’t going so well…. Should prolly put my phone down too… They’re staring at me
You’re at Starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I’ve never seen one before.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.
Pretending to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out…
RIP Donna Summer NOW we will never know who left the cake out in the rain.