Best WhatsApp Status

  1. My wife said she would jump in front of a bullet for me. I got my gun out. She is such a liar.
  2. I can’t seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.
  3. Who else backspaces their whole password, even if only one letter is wrong?
  4. People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!
  5. There’s no need to rush. If something’s meant to be, it’ll happen in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.
  6. I wish my neighbor’s dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.
  7. Any dude who waits for Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year.
  8. Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to “CHA-CHING!!”
  9. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up!! You don’t know where it’s been!!!”
  10. I like getting drunk because I love it when the whole world revolves around me.
  11. Music is the best Time Machine.
  12. Why isn’t there a reality show called “Security Cams of Walmart?”
  13. I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home
  14. I wish Facebook would make the text bigger on its mobile app so I can read it easier when I am driving
  15. Vibrator factory workers probably check their phones every ten seconds.
  16. Apparently my microwave has two settings….Cold in the center and Surface of the sun…
  17. My Motto in a Relationship is : “You Take Care Of Me, And I’ll Take Care Of US”
  18. Women are like iPhones: You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries: Rub one ball and everything moves
  19. She said “Every Kiss begins with K”, I said “To bad Ugly begins with U”
  20. Quick question, Ladies, If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the f$ck are you doing?