life expectancy

Researchers have found that every beer you have per day knocks about half an hour off your life expectancy.

Fine. I’d just have spent it drinking a beer anyway.

My wifez gonna kill me

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.

“Wha’ my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me.”

“Relax,” the bartender says, “give me a five-dollar bill.” The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy’s shirt pocket. “Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.”

“Thass a great idea!”

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. “Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?”

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, “Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned.”

The drunk’s wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, “There’s $10 in here!”

“Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too.”

pint of less

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, “What’s less?” The guy says “I don’t know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it.”