3 Moles

A mommy mole, daddy mole, and baby mole are together in their burrow

Mommy mole sticks her head out and sniffs the air. She asks, “What’s that smell? Is it brown sugar?”

Daddy mole sticks his head out to sniff around, “No I don’t think so. Smells like vanilla to me.”

The baby mole still in the burrow says “I don’t know what you guys are talking about. All I can smell is molasses!”

I won the Derby

Horse walks into a bar and gets himself a pint. A donkey is sitting beside him and says “you’re a big lad, did you ever win anything?”.

The horse turns round and says “yeah, I won the Derby on the flat and the Grand National on the jumps”. The donkey, thinking “fuck, how can I match that, that’s impressive”, goes to his phone and gets up a picture of a zebra.

He shows it to the horse who responds “what the fuck is that?”. The donkey replies “That’s when I used to play for Juventus”.

My budgie broke his leg

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

Turtle Picnic

Once there were three turtles.

One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back.

A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,”oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.”

Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”