Blind Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

“OK, follow me”, he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.                                               

Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest.  Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.                         

“Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked.

YES, YES, YES!!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good for you! Because I f**king didn’t.”

 

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decideds life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,  “Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time.” But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,   “How about going to church with me and
receive blessings?”  But again,there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted,   “Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS …..This time,a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first F****** time!
I’m putting my shoes on!”

Lady & The Parrot

pollyA lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the salesman
“What’s so special about the parrot ?”
Salesman ” this parrot can talk”
So the lady asks the parrot ” how do I look?”
The parrot replies ” you look like a fcukin slut?”

The lady gets pissed off and tells the salesman that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The salesman tells her to wait for 2 mins. and takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket water. When he pulls the parrot out he says “if you disrespect the lady out there ill soak you in water again” and takes the parrot back outside

The salesman asked the lady to ask the parrot another question
Lady: “if I come home with one man what would you think?”
Parrot: “he’s your husband”
Lady: “2 men”
Parrot “your husband and his brother”
Lady: “3 men”:/
Parrot: “your husband his brother and your brother”
Lady :”4 men”
Parrot: “bring the fcuking bucket of water I already told you she’s a slut

Jesus Knows You’re Here”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shone his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch
beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed.  ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’