Whiskey Double

Guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.

He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”

To which the man replies surprised “oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”

80 year old blind man

An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.”

“Oh really”, says the landlord, “go ahead then”.

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.”

Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck”, says the landlord, “Go on, try again…”

The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar”, he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.”

“You’re talking rubbish.” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again!

Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again.

He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor”, he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”.

The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there.

“Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible”, says the landlord, “what else can you hear?”

The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while.

He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”.

The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!”

“Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”

Home Food

Two men are drinking in a bar.

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says “you can’t eat your own food in here”

So they swapped sandwiches.