The Perfect Guy

I read in a woman’s magazine that the perfect husband is “wealthy, intelligent and has an off-button”.

I hate these distorted standards for men, how’s a regular bloke like me meant to compete with Stephen Hawking?

500 Kit Kats

I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That’s basically how celebrity charity appeals work.