One of the best

Ok I found this joke a while ago and loved it..it’s a ? bit long but worth it ..it will help you understand and a basic problem most couples have.

One evening last week my girlfriend and I were getting into bed, well the passion starts to heat up and she eventually says ‘ I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’

I said ‘WHAT?? what was that ?

So she says the words thy every boyfriend dreads to hear..

‘your just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man..

She responded to my puzzled look by saying ‘Cant you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom.’

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her, we went to a nice lunch then went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits, she couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we would just buy all of them.. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes so I said ‘let’s get a pair for each outfit..

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.. Let me tell you, she was soo excited .. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis..

I think I threw her for a loop when I said that’s fine honey.. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the excitement.. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said ‘ I think this I all hun, let’s go to the cashier’

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘ no honey, I don’t feel like it’.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled ‘WHAT’

I then said ‘ Honey I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. Your just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman..

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added ‘ Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you’

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.. But atleast the bitch knows I’m smarted than her ..

What you think?? ?

I’ll do the dishes

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, “whenever it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won’t rust.”
Tht night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents dey take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: Wen we eat, we don’t talk cuz d 1st person who says anyth has to do the dishes.”k”, he says. Dey sit down & no one says a word.
As dinner goes on, Ted decides to test d situation,he reaches over & grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, & screws her right there, But no 1 says a word. Then he grabs the mom n fcuks her too But still, Total silence. All of a sudden it starts to rain. Ted remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket… Suddenly the father shouts: “I’ll DO the FUCKIN’ dishes!

Via Shiromi

Newly Weds – Pants dont fit

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”
“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”

Rembering the 60’s..

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell. ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced  tea?’Iced tea, please,’ Fred said. Mum brought in the iced tea.
‘So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?’ she asked. ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..”Peggy likes to screw, you know,’ Mum informed him.
‘Really?’ Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued, ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do! Screw, again and again!!’
‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous.
‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’
‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,  wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She  greeted Fred. ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind  her.

“The Twist, Mum!” she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. “The  dance is called the Twist!!!”