UK CLASSIFIED ADS

You have to love British humour!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old.

Hateful little bastard.

Bites!

 

FREE PUPPIES.

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie..

 

**** And the WINNER is… ****

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker.

Billy Connolly –

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

 

News – The week that was

A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies.” -Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.” -Jay Leno

“President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea, how about sanctions against OUR banks for deceptive practices?” -Jay Leno

A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” -Jimmy Fallon

According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” -Jay Leno

Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. … Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don’t have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction.

As heard on the street

  • Six time hot dog eating champion, Takeru Kobayashi, was arrested after this year’s contest and charged with trespassing…..Believe me, you don’t want to be known in jail as a hot dog eating champion.
  • According to a new survey by “Self” magazine, 50 percent of single women have sex 3 to 5 times a week. Ever wonder who these women are having sex with? Well, it is called “Self” magazine…
  • Scientists think Neanderthals lived fast and died young. So don’t expect to see a third season of “Jersey Shore.”
  • Bill Clinton has a cameo in the new “Hangover 2? movie. When asked why Clinton was in the movie, the producer said, “There are some things even Mike Tyson won’t do.”
  • Facebook is now combining e-mail, instant messaging and text messaging…To create a world where nothing gets done at the workplace ever again.
  • There’s an iPhone app to let you pee on the phone to test for STD.It’s being called the best app ever … to load onto somebody else’s phone.
  • A woman in Illinois was arrested for hitting a police officer with a sex toy. There’s a good chance she’ll get off…
  • A black couple in England has given birth to a white baby with blue eyes. The father says it is “simply unexplainable.” This kind of thing happens more often than you would think, according to the couple’s white friend.
  • A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.