Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror..
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly fookin’ bitch he’s runnin’ around with.’

Back to Back

A texan walks into an Irish bar

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

Familiar Accent

An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him “Are you Irish, then?”

“That I am”
“Well I”l be, let’s have a whiskey! Where are you from?”
“Dublin”
“Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!”
“Where in Dublin”, says the other feller
“Temple Bar”
“Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street”
“So did I! That calls fer another drink!”
“who was yer teacher?”
“Miss McGillicuddy”
“Holy Mother of God, she taught me too! Bartender, another round if you please”

At that point another man enters the bar and sits at the other end.
The bartender approaches him, and he says “Evening, John, anything new going on?”

The bartender replies ” Not really, just the Kelly twins getting drunk again…”

Smart Pills

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.

Paddy said: “What’s That”..?? “‘They’re Smart Pills,” says Mick “Eat them and they’ll make you smarter”..

So Paddy ate them and said: “Jeez. They taste like Shit”..

“See,” says Mick, “You’re getting fucking smarter already.”.

Why So Happy

Mike says, “Pat, what are you so happy for?”

“Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike. She couldn’t swim!”

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “What are you happy about today Pat?”

“Well Mike…. I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me…tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike! She couldn’t swim!”

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin’ over a beer. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Mike, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’

So I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out… much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’

She pulled down her pants and…..She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! … and I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”