WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP

Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.

“WHO DISTURBS MY ENDLESS SLEEP!?” Booms the genie, “MY FURIOUS WRATH YOU NOW SHALL REAP!”

Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

“Ta Mac”, says Dave as he brushes himself off.

POOF without warning, the genie transforms Dave into a slab of tarmac.

“What the fuck have you done to me”, shouts Dave, as the genie bursts with laughter and faces Mac, who looks terrified.

“Bwa-ha-ha, you’re scared and stricken”, laughs the genie, “perhaps you’re just a puny chicken?”

POOF the genie transforms Mac into a chicken.

The Genie laughs again and decides to give them a chance, “On the count of three, if you both agree, then after a year I’ll let you free.”

“But if one of you chooses to dismiss, then forever the other will remain like this.”

Dave turns to Mac and says, “We’ve been best friends forever, there’s no way I’d say no!”

Mac turns to Dave and says, “Agreed, there’s no way I could let you endure such a terrible fate.”

The genie counts down…

Three

Two

One

They look at each other, nod, and together they say, “I agree”…

Except Mac didn’t… He didn’t agree at all and Dave was left lying on the floor, a solid piece of tarmac for the rest of eternity.

You see, Dave had slept with Mac’s wife behind his back, but Mac knew about it all along and had been waiting for the perfect opportunity for payback.

That, my friends, is why the chicken crossed the road.

moisturiser

BREAKING NEWS….

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

thousand pieces of bread

A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread.

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The same thing happens the next day. At the end of the day the store owner decides to make a thousand pieces of bread in the hopes of making a huge profit!

The store owner spends all weekend working hard and makes a thousand pieces of bread.

On Monday, the man walks into the store again and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner smiles and replies “Yes, today we do indeed!”

The man shakes his head and says “it’s going to be a bitch selling all of them”

And walks away

Deadly Shrooms

Dave’s wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he’s actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples AND they happen to like it, he’ll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave couldn’t cook for shit, but he’s gotta try and get back to his wife.

He spots a huge turkey, gobbling around, so he grabs it by the neck and breaks it. He plucks out the feathers, cuts it open and pulls out the giblets. He starts grabbing whatever food he can find in the kitchen, cramming it into the bird with his fist until there’s no more room. He grabs a chocolate bar from his back pocket and melts it over the turkey for a glaze. Then he throws it in the oven and waits for it to cook.

It smells like putrid crap, but he has no choice and calls the waiter to come and take it in to Jesus and his mates.

After a few minutes he can hear them in the other room… Jesus and his disciples are chanting his name! “dave… Dave… DAVE!!” they must really love his food! “DAVE… DAVE!… DAAAVEE!!”

THWACK He’s hit by a blurry piercing light and suddenly finds himself back on his kitchen floor where he first passed out.

“Dave… What the hell is going on?” shouts his wife

He picks himself up off the floor and shouts, “I’m back! I’m alive!! I’ve had the most incredible journey. I died and went to heaven, but I’m back!!”

“DAVE…” begins his wife … “WHAT IN THE BLAZING FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO THE CAT!!?”