Deadly Shrooms

Dave’s wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he’s actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples AND they happen to like it, he’ll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave couldn’t cook for shit, but he’s gotta try and get back to his wife.

He spots a huge turkey, gobbling around, so he grabs it by the neck and breaks it. He plucks out the feathers, cuts it open and pulls out the giblets. He starts grabbing whatever food he can find in the kitchen, cramming it into the bird with his fist until there’s no more room. He grabs a chocolate bar from his back pocket and melts it over the turkey for a glaze. Then he throws it in the oven and waits for it to cook.

It smells like putrid crap, but he has no choice and calls the waiter to come and take it in to Jesus and his mates.

After a few minutes he can hear them in the other room… Jesus and his disciples are chanting his name! “dave… Dave… DAVE!!” they must really love his food! “DAVE… DAVE!… DAAAVEE!!”

THWACK He’s hit by a blurry piercing light and suddenly finds himself back on his kitchen floor where he first passed out.

“Dave… What the hell is going on?” shouts his wife

He picks himself up off the floor and shouts, “I’m back! I’m alive!! I’ve had the most incredible journey. I died and went to heaven, but I’m back!!”

“DAVE…” begins his wife … “WHAT IN THE BLAZING FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO THE CAT!!?”

The women

If a feminist tells you that women can do anything a man can then agree with her.

After waiting just a moment make the same statement and see if she can agree like you did.

Octagon

I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon

That’s what happens when you cut corners

Run

My brother ran home behind the bus last night “to save £1.38” – He is such a noob; I ran home behind a taxi and saved almost a £10.00