My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.” Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome. Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there’s no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I’d get too nervous. But at the same … Read more
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t … Read more
When I was younger my mum used to say “whatever you want to do, the sky’s the limit.” Which really upset me, I wanted to be an astronaut.