Football in Heaven

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match!”

3 Sisters

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 live in a house together. One night the 76 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs “was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 74 year old yells back “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells “was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 72 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door”.

Calling For It

A 60-year-old man goes to a nudist colony for a month. [NSFW]

He walks in and goes to the reception, hands in his clothes and the worker shows him his room.

Not long after there is a gorgeous woman at the door, and he immediately gets an erection.

The woman asks “are you calling for me”.

The man says “no, no of course not”.

The woman says “you must be new here, over here if you have an erection it means you are calling for a woman to have sex with you”.

They proceed to have incredible hot sticky sex.

Afterwards, the man goes to the shower, he accidentally farts.
A man then asks “are you calling for me”.

The old man says “no, no of course not”.

The man says “you must be new here, over here if you fart it means you are calling for a man to have sex with you”.

The old man after getting fucked goes straight for the reception.
“I want to leave” he cries.

The receptionist asks “What why you still have 29 days here of rest and fun”?

“Listen here young man, at my age I get an erection maybe once a month but I fart 50 times a day and don’t even ask me how many times I burp.