WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
“Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

A young son asked,
“Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”

Then there was a woman who said,
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

” A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death “

2 Drunks and a Witch

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY
DO YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH.’

‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!’

If only ……. Classic

A guy is strolling along road in Bangkok when a stunning hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, “How much?’

The Hooker replies, “$500 for a hand-job.’
The guy’s jaw drops: “$500 dollars, For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!’

The hooker says, “Do you see that Hard Rock cafe on the corner?’
“Yes.’
“Do you see the Hard Rock about a block further down?’
“Yes.’
“And beyond that, do you see that third Cafe?’
“Yes.’
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.’
The Guy says, “What the hell? I’ll give it a try.’

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?’
The hooker replies, “$1,500.’

“$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that.’
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. See that huge HOTELĀ  just across the street? I own it. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.’
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, “Sign me up.’

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can’t believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the pension savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
“How much for some pu**y?’

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of bangkok is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?’
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?’
“No,” the hooker replies………..”but I would if I had a pu**y.’