Ugly bird

Last night I raped a big fat ugly bird in the park.

After I’d finished with her she said, “I’m telling the police you raped me twice.”

I said, “I only raped you once.”

She said, “Aren’t you going to do it again?”

Sick Bag

We were on a plane and the chap sat next to me started to be violently sick so I reached for a bag.

“Thank you so much, ” he said as I put it over my wife’s head.

The Back Pocket

You know that you’re really ugly when you put your new iPhoneX in your back pocket and the facial recognition unlocks your phone.