My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son… Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
I’m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Here’s the complete A to Z guide to understanding the enhancements to every new iPhone: It has a better camera.
When I was little we didn’t have emoji s. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like “Wants help moving” or “Will whine about bad relationship.”
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together
I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.
That inner porn star moan that slips out when you stretch.
Be yourself, you already have the costume.
I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally…It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested…It just aint right
If my “check engine” light would just “check my wallet”….It would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Dear Sleep, I appreciate the effort, but you’re no match for the internet.
That awesome moment when you predict something and it actually comes true.
Best-friends can see the difference between your fake smile and the real one.
I laugh even harder when I try to explain why I’m laughing.
I’m not rude, I’m honest.
My kindle fire reads “50 shades of grey” to me. It’s like having an obscene phone call from Steven Hawking.
A thief broke into my house last night searching for ‘Money’ …. So I woke up and started searching with him
Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.