Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.
  2. The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.
  3. I’m sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.
  4. Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn’t need to tell everyone about it?
  5. The weird moment when you scroll through someone’s timeline history and they get skinnier…
  6. I have never once looked at a security guard and thought “I feel totally safe with that guy on the job”
  7. Tell her she’s beautiful instead of hot. She’s a woman, she’s not sick.
  8. Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
  9. Sometimes people who joke around the most have the least to laugh about.
  10. I’ve been awake for long enough in my lifetime to know that I prefer sleep.
  11. Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There’s a killer recipe for duck a l’orange on page 6,374.
  12. I told her I just wanted to be friends. She unfriended me on Facebook. Go figure.
  13. Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
  14. I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I’ve ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologise
  15. Screw all of this “working hard”…I might as well become a pornstar.
  16. LIKE if you hate when you… say something funny & then someone says it louder & gets the credit.
  17. That epic awesome moment when you drop something, and then catch it mid-air.
  18. Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they’re telling me that I’m doing a great job driving.
  19. I just read through my Facebook feed… A moment of silence for proper spelling and grammar. RIP
  20. Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called “Tomorrow”.