Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. IF you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery… What kind of car would you buy 1st?
  2. I love the power of the disapproving head shake.
  3. I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
  4. The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
  5. Relationship Advice: The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand.
  6. Monica Lewinsky is writing a tell-all book. I bet it’s going to suck.
  7. Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
  8. Hi I’m hosting a charity disco and raffle on sat 29th September to raise money for people who struggle to orgasm. If you can’t come let me know, cheers.
  9. My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.
  10. Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.
  11. There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
  12. When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
  13. If girls were as nice to each other in real life as they are in Facebook comments, the world would be a different place.
  14. A woman said to me earlier……. “You’re the most sarcastic bastard I know.” I said, “Thanks……. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
  15. Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.
  16. I may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy.
  17. I like the fact that you can see someone’s location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.
  18. I’m so fat, if I were convicted and sentenced to death, I’d get the Electric Couch.
  19. I don’t use my cell phone in the car… I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
  20. I received 10 text messages for sex this morning which is usually cool but I had my wife’s phone.