Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
  2. The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
  3. I once dated a woman named Deb who hated to be called Deborah. Then I dated a woman named Tammi who really hated to be called Deborah
  4. I accidentally bumped into my ex today… with my car… at 60mph… on purpose.
  5. A liar takes forever to explain a simple answer…
  6. The road to happiness is currently under construction.
  7. I went line dancing last night …well it was a roadside sobriety test..same thing
  8. Unsure what love is, but my ex girlfriend thought going through my phone had something to do with it.
  9. I know when to say tits and when to say boobs. I’m classy like that.
  10. Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right
  11. People who spread their germs make me sick.
  12. Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It’s like Facebook in real life.
  13. Oh, let’s play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!
  14. One of the most important things I’ve learned in life is to have at least one person with whom you never need to explain yourself.
  15. Not feeling pain does not make you strong. Strength comes from feeling pain, dealing with it, getting over it and moving the fcuk on.
  16. If you’re in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don’t be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.
  17. Whenever I meet somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I am weird.
  18. People who slow down instead of getting out of my way underestimate my willingness to commit vehicular assault.
  19. The 5 symptoms of Laziness. 1.)
  20. It was only after I started dancing in the food court – alone – that I learned flash mobs are planned…