Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Abracadabra!! ………Nope. Your still a fcuktard.
  2. Don’t look back, you’re not going in that direction.
  3. If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.
  4. I don’t want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.
  5. One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn’t Nintendo.
  6. My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..
  7. Confidence is sexy, no matter who you are. Just don’t overdose on it, nobody likes an arrogant prick.
  8. I never called you stupid dear. But when I ask you how to spell Mississippi and you ask the state or the river…it kinda caught me off guard!
  9. Grammar died so that Facebook could live.
  10. They key to forgiving somebody is to remember that sometimes, you’re an asshole, too.
  11. I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
  12. We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it’s stealing..
  13. Angry people who can’t take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can.
  14. No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
  15. If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
  16. Please forgive me, I got excited copying and pasting your status that I forgot to like it.
  17. Tough times don’t last but tough people do.
  18. I’m the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I’m responsible.
  19. The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
  20. People that wear sunglasses inside, have to…….because it’s always sunny in Doucheville.