Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. There anything lamer than sharing a FB profile with your wife?? Grow some effing balls or come out of the closet already…
  2. I’m going to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll do the second day, I have no idea.
  3. Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o’clock in the morning…….. People only notice it because it’s f*cking annoying.
  4. Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I’m the one carrying their poop in a bag?
  5. I got this really cute girl’s number today. I’m starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.
  6. You haven’t seen rage until you’ve witnessed a woman rip another woman’s wig off.
  7. You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.
  8. ”If he doesn’t hit you, he doesn’t love you.” – Rihanna
  9. Weirdoes seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some fcuking idiot telling me their life story.
  10. I hate when people say ‘I’m a vegetarian except for fish.’ Right, and I’m a virgin except for all that sex I had.
  11. Single as a dollar and not looking for change.
  12. Keys, Wallet, Phone: Three things I’m happy to see after a night of drinking.
  13. The love of your life is just like the police: They’re never around when you need them the most.
  14. It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for…. “Your order’s ready.”
  15. Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
  16. Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too
  17. I really need a day in-between Sunday & Monday
  18. I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 2 minutes.
  19. How a woman crosses her legs can say a lot about how she feels about you. For Example: If they’re crossed over her head, she probably likes you
  20. I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.