Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I’m not stalking you…I got your address off the envelope sitting on your coffee table in the background of your Instagram photo.
  2. I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
  3. I hope skinny jeans are going to be around for a while because I sure as hell can’t get these fcukers off.
  4. I’m high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?
  5. There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.
  6. When I bang my toe against something it’s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
  7. If they made Siri a man’s voice I’d trust the directions more.
  8. I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it’s an exercise bike for basketball players.
  9. I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn’t dilute in the shower.
  10. Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn’t have sex. Just like being married again.
  11. Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.
  12. I only have one sexual preference and that’s as often as possible please.
  13. You may have written me off, but I’ll never be erased.
  14. Apparently being a “Kid at heart” isn’t a good enough excuse to have a Batman themed wedding 🙁
  15. Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you’ll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.
  16. A hot chick with all her teeth and original limbs at a bowling alley is always a cop posing as a prostitute.
  17. I need more pets because I’m running out of passwords.
  18. If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
  19. Tonight I went to a gunfight and the BET Awards broke out……
  20. BET AWARDS MAYHEM – this happens every time these people get together. No, I don’t mean b lack people, I mean silly rap ”artists”.