Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
  2. I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.
  3. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the heck down.
  4. I just want a man who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.
  5. I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel… It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
  6. Woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it’s time to start wearing a bra again.
  7. When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER.”
  8. Is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?
  9. On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.
  10. Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then… she’s pregnant.
  11. You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.
  12. The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.
  13. Finished watching The Little Mermaid with my daughter. I believe it taught us all a valuable lesson. Men will fall in love with women if they can’t talk.
  14. It’s a good thing I’m not famous. I can’t even stand being recognized by people I DO know when I’m out in public.
  15. Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.
  16. I may not be right but I’m a beautiful piece of wrong.
  17. A good laugh and a long sleep are the best two cures for anything 🙂
  18. LADIES: So you are ordering the most expensive thing on the menu? You know that comes with d ick right?
  19. You ever wonder why it’s only women who need exorcisms?
  20. FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs