Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
  2. When someone yells stop, I don’t know if it’s in the name of love, it’s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
  3. Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
  4. My goal is to be just the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.
  5. Gee, that’s an awfully high horse you’re sitting on… don’t get hurt when you fall off!
  6. A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
  7. My poker face is when I’m standing in the express lane with 16 items.
  8. A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I’m walking home.
  9. By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I’m not.Dear ex, I wouldn’t delete you as a Facebook friend. I want you to see the happiness I found after you left.
  10. I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.
  11. Ladies, the good news is Prince Charming exists. The bad news is he’s just not very good-looking. That’s why he’s not called Prince Handsome.
  12. Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
  13. If you dance like no one’s watching you, you will never get laid.
  14. Lucky for you there seems to be no shortage of people willing to settle for less than they deserve.
  15. Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said “Math wasn’t your strongest subject was it?”
  16. Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, it’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday…
  17. When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everyone wants to damn date them.
  18. What I lack in confidence, I make up for in whisky.
  19. If I say something profoundly insulting and you think it’s about you, might be time to reevaluate who you really are.
  20. Every time a hunk walks by, my v@gina licks it’s lips.