Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said “Impressed?” I said “I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face”.
  2. Q: What is the difference between Obama and Jesus? A: Jesus can put a cabinet together.
  3. They say 1 in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I’m not sure if it’s my wife or my girlfriend.
  4. That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”
  5. Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna damn suck.
  6. Seems like it’s going to be “die trying” rather than “get rich” kind of life.
  7. I wish I had the confidence in real life that ugly people have on Facebook.
  8. Big mouths overcompensate for small minds.
  9. As a woman, I always take good care of my eyes coz they are the only balls I have.
  10. Sri Lanka Vs West Indies’ cricket match tomorrow. Kindly adjust contrast and brightness on your Television sets before watching
  11. Parents stop excusing your children’s bad behavior! If you don’t hold them accountable for their words and actions you’re creating a$$holes of tomorrow.
  12. After all these years, my armpits have not moved, yet I still use a mirror to put on deodorant.
  13. If you don’t sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can’t be friends.
  14. I’m not the grammar police, but I never realized just how stupid some of my friends are until FB…
  15. Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself
  16. I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute
  17. Baby, if you are reading this. Can you please bring me a beer?
  18. Just heard a woodpecker call me a “paranoid weirdo” in Morse code.
  19. Starbucks really isn’t that expensive, compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup.
  20. Just checked my Farm-ville for the first time in a year. It’s now a Walmart.