Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. A bunch of my friends are coming over tonight to play on their phones.
  2. ‘Jesus loves you.’ Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison
  3. My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I’m clearing out my desk
  4. My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
  5. “Always leave them wanting more” is my standard approach to paying bills.
  6. How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?…. It’s been an hour,,,,
  7. I hate it when the cashier asks me a stupid question like. “Are you buying all of these?”, “No B!@tch!!, I’m stealing, just wanted to show you first!”
  8. If you ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side, it might be because you need to take better care of your own sh!t.
  9. It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing
  10. I’m not saying she’s fat…… But if you asked me to name my 5 fattest friends…. She would be 3 of them.
  11. If you’re at a party and people start chanting your name, you’re obligated to do anything they want you to do
  12. So broke right now, if a thief robbed me, he’d just be practicing.
  13. I don’t hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.
  14. Mexican word of the day… Bishop. “My girlfriend fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the Bishop”
  15. The way to a girl’s heart is presents. The way to a woman’s heart is presence.
  16. You don’t know fear until you hear someone cough underneath your bed.
  17. When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What!? I took an oath!
  18. Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone’s face and it’s all “aww….how cute.” I do it and suddenly it’s all “what the hell is wrong with you.”
  19. AXE Body spray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like “Breathing”, or “Just Being Alive in General”.
  20. If you’re going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.