Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
  2. Please stop telling me how poor you are via the Facebook App from your iPhone.
  3. Sometimes things just don’t work out. And for those times there’s always alcohol.
  4. My wife said I drink too much and don’t exercise enough. So I stole her pedometer. Half mile so far up & down between the living room & the fridge!
  5. Look..I’m not trying to be difficult…it actually comes easy to me.
  6. I asked a cow if it had a beef with me. We both laughed and laughed and then I ate it.
  7. Whoever coined the phrase “you don’t know what you got till its gone” was talking about toilet paper, probably
  8. When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
  9. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
  10. Asshole meets Good Girl → Fu*ks her over → She turns into a Bi*ch → Meets a Good Guy → Fu*ks him over → He turns into an asshole…. Sad Cycle
  11. Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I’m in 3rd.
  12. 16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?
  13. If you’re going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I’m going to leave you there.
  14. Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.
  15. There’s a difference between who we love, who we settle for, and who we’re meant for.
  16. The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest.
  17. There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804
  18. When it comes to returning emails, I only have two speeds: within 3 seconds or within 3 months
  19. There’s always that one person you regret giving your number to.
  20. 30 years ago my wife got a tattoo of a horse head on her boob, it now looks like a giraffe