Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes…I’m gonna make a few more.
  2. If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
  3. Relying on the Facebook to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.
  4. If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
  5. The only worse thing than ‘the one that got away’ is the one that won’t leave me alone.
  6. Warning Ladies: Alcohol may cause the following side effects: 1. Compulsive giggling. 2. Delusions of awesomeness. 3. Temporary lesbianism.
  7. One of the guys that dated Taylor Swift should write a song called, “Maybe You’re The Problem.”
  8. October is breast cancer awareness month. So I stare, ladies…. cuz I care
  9. Happy Birthday to John Lennon who would have turned 72 today….Imagine!
  10. Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
  11. Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.
  12. Dear coworkers, I am never going to eat anything you cooked and brought in. I’ve seen the quality of your work here and I value my life.
  13. This isn’t a bakery, I don’t sugar coat anything!
  14. Just checking in to make sure that there is ample drama in my timeline. Yup, looks good to me.
  15. I’m the kind of dirty you can’t wash off.
  16. If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.
  17. Not sure if “swag/yolo” finally died off, or something worse is coming
  18. I don’t repeat gossip so listen closely the first time!
  19. There’s no business like minding your own business
  20. There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.