Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. It’s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
  2. A man was just arrested for having sex with a woman in exchange for food. He was charged with dating.
  3. Okay, I’ll admit it. I just don’t have the stamina required by most women. I mean, who can listen to a story for 40 minutes?
  4. I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.
  5. True love is when you buy the hard copy of an album even though you’ve already illegally downloaded it.
  6. Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
  7. I was cursed with expensive taste and no money.
  8. The Victoria’s Secret store in the mall has a “buy 2 get the 3rd free” sale,,, You know, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.
  9. You’re 15 years old. You smoke. You’re not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.
  10. The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
  11. Please shift gears…You’re stuck on stupid again.
  12. Your bio says you’re funny. What time does that start?
  13. Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.
  14. Panda Bear: /”’ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ/”’
  15. I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!
  16. In an instant it shook our faith in humanity. Watching people run towards the blast in the next instant restored it.
  17. You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
  18. It’s sad to think that the world we live in will never be a peaceful place
  19. Sharing vigil photos on FB does not solve anything, better values, spending time with your kids and raising them right does.
  20. Sadly we often see the best in humanity only after times of great tragedy…