Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Just another example of Tiger Woods putting his balls in the wrong place….
  2. When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
  3. I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
  4. Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and don’t know where to start? That’s why I’m on Facebook.
  5. I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do online.
  6. My credit card company called…they want me to leave home without it.
  7. Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you can’t use any swear words.
  8. When Kanye and Kim finally break up – does that automatically put her back on the Black market?
  9. Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
  10. I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away ’cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.
  11. *Breaking News: Iranian scientists claim to have developed a time machine. Translation: They figured out how to make a clock.
  12. What I like most about myself is that I’m so understanding when I do something wrong.
  13. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
  14. If you don’t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends’ pages where the big news of the day is when their kids finally take a $hit all by themselves.
  15. ~• <-Thats a picture of me when I was younger. I was so cute
  16. Who wears the pants in the relationship? No one when it all goes well 😉
  17. A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.
  18. Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 95.
  19. I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
  20. Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.