Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. 5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
  2. Bitch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling
  3. To all pretty girls ♥ there’s always gonna be a girl who is more beautiful then u but you just gotta find one guy, who really doesn’t care
  4. If Apple created the iHouse, I wouldn’t want any Windows.
  5. Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them.
  6. “Hello modelling agency?” “Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I’m ready to go pro.”
  7. When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
  8. Friday instantly puts you in a good mood…
  9. Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
  10. Remember that Ex that we all thought we’d never get over? LOL
  11. We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don’t, its you.
  12. So you say you’re fat because you had children. What did they taste like?
  13. Women are like drinks in a party; if you leave them alone, someone will steal them.
  14. Going to Mexico. What outfit best says: “My family won’t pay the ransom.”
  15. I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
  16. A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. “Do you know why I was following you?” he asked. “Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?” I replied, absolutely hammered.
  17. This North Korea situation is turning into the slowest Bond movie ever.
  18. I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
  19. I had a nightmare where I couldn’t wipe my ass. It was the shittiest dream ever.
  20. What’s on a mans mind: Straight : ( • )( • ) Gay : ( )*( )