Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. What has the world come too? I over heard some people talking. A 15 yr old girl said “I’m pregnant” and I think it was her aunt who said “Congratulations”. Are you serious? Congrats? How about you just ruined your life, you dumbass wh0re
  2. I am a Vaginaterian.
  3. There’s a fine line between a cougar and an old whore…….
  4. Air Freshener: Because there’s no louder way of telling the whole house you’ve just taken a sh*t…
  5. Sometimes I don’t understand women, they can walk around all day in public wearing a bikini but when they catch me looking at them in their bra and underwear, they scream the place down!
  6. I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
  7. Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.
  8. Dating a single mother is like continuing on from somebody else’s saved game.
  9. ENOUGH WITH THE PARALYMPIC JOKES!!!I’m in a wheel chair!! I’M NOT GONNA STAND FOR THIS!!!!!
  10. I’m writing a thanksgiving cookbook called “50 shades of gravy.”
  11. The Best feeling ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple hours to sleep.
  12. The woman who invented the phrase “All guys are the same” was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.
  13. Husband asks wife, “How many men have you slept with?” Wife proudly replies,  “Only you Darling – With all the others, I stayed awake.”
  14. I’ve never been skydiving,, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
  15. I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life..
  16. I love being in that mood where everything is hilarious!
  17. Religion and Politics are much the same in that we block out everything except the parts we feel personally benefit us.
  18. Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
  19. I love it when a girl tells me she is not a slut and then 2-hours latter I’ve got her feet behind her ears while screaming my name.
  20. How do I get my husband to clean? I tell him I might be bringing home a girl for a threesome.