Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
  2. Seeing a lot of posts on Facebook and Twitter about dogs being stolen. Are the Koreans stockpiling food before they go to war?
  3. The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
  4. Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
  5. The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
  6. I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
  7. Started out with nothing and still have most of it.
  8. I’m as bored as a slut on her period.
  9. Keys to a good marriage: 1) Trust 2) Communication 3) Intimacy 4) Blocking each other on Social Networks And 5) Alcohol
  10. If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
  11. Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming “Blade 4: Twilight.
  12. Some people live life in the fast lane. I’ve spent most of mine on the side of the road, hood open, staring at a smoking engine, scratching my head.
  13. A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets…you don’t know where to put your hands.
  14. I used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words more carefully.
  15. Love is when your heart and your genitals both, want to be near someone at the same time.
  16. My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those lines between my eyebrows…those are my “WTF?” lines.
  17. I changed my relationship status to ‘It’s complicated’ on Facebook. I can never decide which hand to use.
  18. I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
  19. Rumors are as dumb as the people who started them, and as fake as the people who help spread them.
  20. One of my favorite hobbies before Facebook was having a life.