Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Firetrucks & Ambulances would be much more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song “Move Bitch” by Ludacris.
  2. As long as your mistakes are new ones, you can argue that you’re making progress.
  3. My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
  4. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
  5. Getting drunk and waking up in strange places is the only kind of vacation I can afford.
  6. Please leave your ego at the door so other people can wipe their feet on it before entering.
  7. Instead of Facebook showing you a list of people you may know maybe it show you a list of people to avoid.
  8. I’m not a baseball fan. But certain aspects of the sport can provide some entertainment. Like, finding out that the
  9. Kansas City Royals first base coach is a guy named Rusty Kuntz.
  10. I just watched a tampon commercial for 8 minutes before I realized it was an episode of Sex and the City.
  11. The hardest thing you can hit people with is the truth.
  12. Being afraid of North Korea is like calling the FBI because someone threatened you in a YouTube comment.
  13. She’s not fat !!! God gave her airbags because she’s precious
  14. Two people sitting in front of me on the bus were talking about how rude it is to eavesdrop on others’ conversations and I told them that I totally agree!
  15. Wall Street is the only place that people drive to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.
  16. Did you know it’s physically impossible for 3 women to take a photo together and not do the Charlies Angels pose?
  17. North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friend list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention…
  18. I DON’T regret the things I’ve done ; I regret the things I DIDN’T do when I got the chance
  19. Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
  20. I don’t argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button. aka Facebook friends.