Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
  2. The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He’ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
  3. I can’t even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me “You better not put that on Facebook!”
  4. If time is money, I’m running out of time…
  5. Popularity allows you to live with others, but integrity lets you live with yourself.
  6. Don’t let the things you cannot control take control of you.
  7. I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.
  8. Funny how seeing someone from high school suddenly means I’m doing “really well” and “love my job”.
  9. I’m convinced…you can set up a profile, put up a pic of a turd in a skirt and hi heels wearing make-up, and some loser on Facebook will comment…”UR BEAUTIFUL!”
  10. “hi & hey” … “why’d you say hi twice?” … “I would of felt rude if I didn’t say hi to both of your faces…..”
  11. The easiest way to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
  12. I don’t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You’re the person they’re thinking of when their brain can’t even function properly.
  13. If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
  14. Every sentence is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.
  15. I don’t have a bucket it list, but my fcukit list is growing.. as in “fcuk it, I’ll give it a try”
  16. My school cares more about my uniform than my education.
  17. When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.
  18. Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
  19. Smile. It’s easier than explaining why you’re sad.
  20. The best thing about marriage is never needing to use Google. Wives know everything!