Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
“WHY IS MY INTERNET SO SLOW?!” “well, either your son is downloading porn , or your daughter is uploading it.”
Dear Heart, Please stop breaking, you weren’t made in China. Sincerely, Me.
If you don’t like where you are, then change it! You’re not a f**king tree.
Will you be my “it’s complicated” on Facebook?
Ducks go quack, cows go moo, guys stick it in and girls go “OOOH.”
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
When you’re good, you’re good, when you’re awesome you’re me.
The only person you should try to be better than, Is the person you were yesterday.
“Today its Sunday” Forward this to 15 friends,.. within 7 days you”ll get another Sunday. it really works… One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours
I’ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 – $40,000 So I called them up and said, “The answer is -$5,000.”
There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn’t mean I have accept.
If I post something funny on my FB and you comment revealing the original source I will totally cut you.
You know what really upsets me? When a stranger on the internet isn’t satisfied with the entertainment I provide him for free.
You don’t know true competition until you’re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Easter is the only time of the year when it’s perfectly safe to put all your eggs in one basket. Happy Easter Everybody.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has declared war against South Korea, saying ‘we will make them pay for Psy and his Gangnam Style”
For April Fools Day, I think Facebook should switch the search box and the status update box around. So people would post updates on who they stalk.