Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Cop jokes AREN’T FUNNY. So give it arrest 🙂
  2. I love those people you can joke around with and have so much fun with and then have a deep conversation with and it’s not weird at all.
  3. I got a message from facebook today.. saying my block list has exceeded my friends list. Congratulations this is a first. . .
  4. Keep calm and don’t give a f*ck.
  5. Person: “Oh my god! Did you just fall?!” Me: “No, The floor looked lonely, So I kissed it.
  6. Sometimes it takes a wrong turn to put us in the right place.
  7. Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
  8. I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
  9. “Find the Juan for you!” – Mexican dating site
  10. A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I’ll catch the next one. She’s mad at me now.
  11. Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
  12. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
  13. Success is like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
  14. Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
  15. Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
  16. Thanks for deciding to introduce me to your second face AFTER I decided to trust you.
  17. I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
  18. Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
  19. Don’t trade what you want most for what you want now.
  20. Let your smile change the world, but don’t let the world change your smile.