Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows Sincerely & does exactly as he says is a PHOTOGRAPHER !!!
  2. Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you’ve made in their life. It’s not me. I think your an idiot.
  3. My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
  4. Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.
  5. My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.
  6. If a married chick calls you a slut for the way you dress, what she was really trying to say is “My husband wants to f@ck you”
  7. Give that gal a plunger. Girls just love bringing up old shit!
  8. I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
  9. People don’t hate you because you’re beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.
  10. Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, “Is it in yet?” just to make it feel insecure.
  11. These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I’m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
  12. In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.
  13. That guy just told his girlfriend, “But, I didn’t do anything.”……Lmao…… He’s young. He’ll learn.
  14. This weekend, a woman in Colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China..
  15. I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.
  16. What is the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls. There under a buck.
  17. I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
  18. So I heard you’re a player. Well nice to meet you… I’m the coach.
  19. I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection..
  20. Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.