Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said “When are you due?” This is why we are here…
  2. If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
  3. Let’s face it… Seeing a camel-toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari…
  4. I’m single by choice. Not MY choice, but it’s still a choice.
  5. I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
  6. People with kids, your p0sts are all the birth control I need.
  7. Someone said to me earlier, “Your face looks very familiar”. I said, “I know, I’ve had it a long time.”
  8. I hate that they put “use by” dates on condoms… like I’m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
  9. I don’t think my neighbor watches porn.  She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her fcuking sink.
  10. Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
  11. Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
  12. When a girl says “no,” a guy hears it as “try again later.”
  13. Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
  14. My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one.
  15. Its already too late for some of you ladies to find Mr Right and I would advise you to just settle for Mr. What’s Left or you will die alone.
  16. Stop screaming, lady. All I said was ‘this is how pornos start’.  It’s just elevator talk.
  17. If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
  18. I Never understood why people watch porn together while having sex. If I have porn then what the hell do I need with another person?”
  19. Commercials have introduced me to more new and interesting music in the last six months than MTV has in the last six years.
  20. Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.