Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
  2. Having a small dick is the leading cause of acting like a big one.
  3. If you watch Cinderella backwards, it’s about a woman who learns her place.
  4. Today I feel like a tampon. In a good place… at the wrong time.
  5. I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
  6. Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution
  7. Women are like shed roofs, if you don’t nail them hard enough they’ll end up next door.
  8. I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn’t listen.
  9. For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
  10. Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.
  11. As I sat there twirling my hair in my fingers, I thought…I really need to shave my balls.
  12. I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that’s a lot of weed.
  13. Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me
  14. I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
  15. Fucking b*tch.
  16. My wife doesn’t appreciate orgasms…every time I give her one she spits it out
  17. Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
  18. Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
  19. I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
  20. Scenes from “The Exorcist” could have been filmed in my car while I’m stuck in traffic.