Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. In awkward situations, we all pretend to text.
  2. I pirate so many songs & movies that I should download a boat
  3. I just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
  4. Horror movies don’t scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.
  5. I wish I had Kim Kardashian’s talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.
  6. Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you’re not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.
  7. Ladies, stop saying “All Guys are the same”…all the guys YOU LIKE are the same, don’t blame all of us because you’re into douche-bags.
  8. If you allow your children to run around a restaurant unattended, and I am in that restaurant, I will teach them curse words and racial slurs.
  9. “RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS, BUT WHISKEY GIVES YOU BALLS!”
  10. Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.
  11. Gonna drink till I’m pretty.
  12. As far as distractions go … I like to think I’m a good one.
  13. O.J. Simpson is claiming that Khloe Kardashian is his daughter. He makes the claim in his new book called “The Only Thing I’m Ashamed Of.”
  14. My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn’t change a thing. I just don’t live there anymore.
  15. Over time you start noticing that some people just aren’t worth it anymore.
  16. This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past.
  17. Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, “Aww, f**k…”
  18. This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes
  19. If I look tired at the end of the day, it’s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
  20. How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.