Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
  2. Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”
  3. I have 3 moods: Skip every song on my iPod, let the music play without interruption, play the same song on repeat for days
  4. Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
  5. I hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them
  6. I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
  7. Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
  8. The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
  9. Mosquito landed on my friend’s face; easiest decision of my life.
  10. Do you want to know Victoria’s Secret? Their lingerie doesn’t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
  11. Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
  12. Medical Fact: If a women drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she’ll probably suck it as well.
  13. If you can’t be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!
  14. Happy Independence Day! Our founding fathers fought hard to give us the freedom to blow shit up…… Make them proud!!!
  15. Your day sucked, huh? I’m sure the rest of us on Facebook would love to hear about it.
  16. Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key
  17. When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside….
  18. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work
  19. Love me or hate me. Either way I’m on your mind and I’m flattered.
  20. If you want him to be your Prince Charming, you gotta be his porn star