Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think “Who keeps fuck!ng you?”
  2. A mosquito landed on my balls… Hardest decision of my life.
  3. With great power comes a great electricity bill.
  4. Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest eat a banana.
  5. According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
  6. I’m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
  7. People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
  8. When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
  9. Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
  10. If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
  11. I’d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
  12. I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my fuckíng name or not.
  13. I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.
  14. Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
  15. The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
  16. I compare my last relationship to Forrest Gump and Jenny. I was retarded and she was a w*ore…
  17. Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
  18. Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
  19. I miss those days when sex was safe and sports cars were dangerous.
  20. To find a prince, you’re supposed to kiss a frog. Not screw the whole pond….