Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
  2. Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
  3. Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
  4. My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
  5. You know that look women get when they want sex ? ……….me neither.
  6. You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
  7. I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can’t wait to show them to my wife!!
  8. Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
  9. I’m so tired. Almost time to crawl into bed and not be able to sleep for three hours.
  10. Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
  11. Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
  12. My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
  13. My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
  14. School is like an erection. It’s long and hard unless you’re Asian.
  15. Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
  16. I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it’s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
  17. All I got you for your birthday was this post. Hope you enjoy it! Try not to read it all at once. Happy Birthday.
  18. How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older. Happy Birthday!
  19. Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.
  20. Roses are red, violets are blue. You’ve survived another year, so Happy Birthday to you!!