Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. If you want to save face, you should consider keeping the lower half of yours shut.
  2. This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
  3. Sorry, I am not a toilet. Please stop feeding me your shit.
  4. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Wait, it’s just that flying fcuk I don’t give.
  5. If I was the only male/female left on earth. What would you do?
  6. Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
  7. If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
  8. An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
  9. Drink what you can, drink what you’re able, drink with me you’ll be under the table
  10. Sleeping on the couch” should be a relationship status on Facebook!
  11. If Iron Man and Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
  12. Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
  13. I’m bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.
  14. Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there’s already been a wrist injury…but I should be ok by friday.
  15. I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself.
  16. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
  17. Is Oral Sex a taste of things to come?
  18. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  19. Dear Homework. You are not attractive, and I’m not doing you.
  20. I love the new facebook. Keeps recommending that I poke my friend’s mum.