Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Women are like cats. Rub them right and they’ll love you, on occasion.
  2. I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
  3. Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
  4. One of the most exciting things about life is not knowing what’s next.
  5. No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40’s selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray.
  6. Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
  7. If you’re on the show “16 and Pregnant” you have a pretty good chance of being on the follow-up show “32 and a Grandmother”
  8. Hopefully because of social networking, I’ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
  9. A naked iPhone is a beautiful thing but too risky.
  10. If you invite me to a party please make sure to have a cat or dog present so I have someone to hang out with.
  11. I switched to Herbal Essence shampoo and sadly discovered that I do not have a G-Spot on top of my head like those women in the commercial.
  12. Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
  13. Even gay guys think joint FB pages are gay…
  14. I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.
  15. Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
  16. Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport.
  17. Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
  18. Every time I see a mattress on top of a car driven by a woman , I think it’s a prostitute making house calls
  19. I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said “hey, would you like some help with that plasma?” He said “f*ck off asshole, it’s an IPad!”
  20. I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…