Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. I dont know whats more annoying, hot chicks who won’t shut up about how ugly they are or ugly girls who won’t shut up about how hot they are.
  2. Where do we cash out these “Likes”? I need gas money, and by gas money I mean booze.
  3. If you think you can charm me into bed with your smooth talking and your rugged good looks and expensive Champagne, then you Sir, are in for the night of your life.
  4. I’m writing a funny new status about herpes, I hope you all get it.
  5. So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol’ lady was right…I ain’t never gonna grow up.
  6. I went to fill out a job application today. When I got to: “position applying for”, I wrote “yours” followed by a “;-)” and an “LOL”.
  7. A few short years ago, I had no idea what to do with all the unflattering pictures I took of myself in the bathroom. Not anymore! Thanks, Facebook!
  8. I told my teen to be wary of strangers and “weirdos” on the computer. She should not pay any attention to them. Leave that to mommy.
  9. Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 34, looking for some action!”, so I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
  10. Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It’s shift work. ;p
  11. My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success. My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.
  12. My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
  13. My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
  14. NOoooOoo, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
  15. You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That’s a ghost finishing sex with you.
  16. I’m a kleptomaniac. It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it.
  17. Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.
  18. From now on when I accept a friend request I’ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
  19. I always think of something sad when peeling onions so that I kill two birds with one stone.
  20. Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.