Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today…I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
  2. Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
  3. Nothing last forever, except everything that’s been posted online.
  4. How I put on my pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.
  5. I’m not perfect. I’m original.
  6. I’m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
  7. No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
  8. Usually relationships end when people get tired of pretending to be the person their partner likes.
  9. I think I dislocated my dignity.
  10. It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
  11. FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
  12. Don’t judge my Playboy subscription, You “Fifty Shades of Grey” reading Harlots!
  13. Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
  14. Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like “Which children’s toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?”
  15. The five stages of a breakup: 1. The hating 2. The missing 3. The social media stalking 4. The trying to win back 5. The “What was I thinking?”