Funny Facebook Statuses

  1. Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome
  2. My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said “Maybe you’re the crazy one!!”
  3. I don’t usually talk to people who use the words “SWAG,” or “YOLO.” But when I do, I order a large fry.
  4. The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
  5. Truth is, it’s not a “long story”…  I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
  6. Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.
  7. I’m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as “amateur”.
  8. Babies need an “Airplane Mode”.
  9. Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.
  10. People change, and all too often they become the person they said they will never be.
  11. “Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
  12. You can love your country without having to love your government.
  13. Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
  14. I can’t believe I work this hard to be this poor.
  15. “My Uncle Jennifer is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow!”
  16. My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I’m giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don’t give a f*ck…
  17. I just tell ugly girls I have a paper bag fetish.
  18. Anyone who says you can’t judge a book by its cover hasn’t seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.
  19. I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don’t sound like so much of an alcoholic.
  20. If you don’t have enemies, you don’t have character.